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Rob Henderson's Synthesis of Song Spoofs

Lughnasadh 2000 Edition

Rob Henderson -- robh@cyberspace.org -- http://www.cyberspace.org/~robh/-- (734) 487-4931

Part One: My current project (if one can call it that) is to tell the story of Homer's Odyssey using all of the songs from the Beatles movie "Yellow Submarine". This challenge was given to me by the Kindreds as I was driving home from work one afternoon. Never let it be said that my gods have no sense of humor!

Penelopeia

Ah, look at all the evil suitors!
Ah, look at all the evil suitors!

Penelopeia weaving a shroud on a loom in the home of the king
Lives in a dream
Stands at the window, waits for her husband who left her to fight in the war
What was it for?

All the evil suitors, where do they all come from?
All the evil suitors, when will they all be gone?

Telemachos, welcomes a stranger although there are so many there
But he still cares
It is Athene, the grey-eyed goddess who comes to the court in disguise
She is so wise
All the evil suitors, where do they all come from?
All the evil suitors, when will they all be gone?

Ah, look at all the evil suitors!
Ah, look at all the evil suitors!

Penelopeia goes to the loom and unties what she did in the day
But they still stay
Telemachos told by Athene to search for some news of his dad
None to be had

All the evil suitors, where do they all come from?
All the evil suitors, when will they all be gone?

One-Eyed Man

He's a big one-eyed man
Living in his one-eyed land
Talking to a tiny man called Nobody

Only has one point of view
Lives on cheese and mutton stew
Keeping all his flock inside his cave

One-eyed man, please listen
You don't know what you're missing
Said the seer...
Odysseus is the one you should fear

But this man called Nobody
Barely large enough to see
One-eyed man, can you see him at all?

One-eyed man, don't worry
Chew them up, don't hurry
Don't fill up, 'cause small men are so
Stringy and tough

Drinks too much of small man's wine
Just one poke and he goes blind
Shouts that he's been hurt by Nobody

No-eyed man, please listen
All those small men are missing
No-eyed man...
Nobody hides under your ram

He's a big no-eyed man
Living in his one-eyed land
Asking all his brothers to kill Nobody
Swearing to take his revenge on Nobody
Praying for his father's curse on Nobody

Part Two: Songs about some of our Grove deities.

Balor's Song

I need a new eye, 'cause I got none
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

It's up in the sky as the hot sun
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

The seers told me that I'd be killed
By my own grandson
And so I locked my daughter away
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

I thought Eithne couldn't have a son
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

But Cian snuck in, and they had fun
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

I threw her babies into the sea
And two of them drowned, but one
Was rescued by Manannan mac Lir
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

And to Mag Tured we had both come
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

I challenged him, but he would not run
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

He stuck his spear into my eye
And so my life is done
And he is now the king of the land
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won
I fought the Lugh, and the Lugh won

Ana Was

Ana was walking through the snow
And she could feel her breath was steaming
And she could see a nearby village
She sees the people there are freezing
See the tree in the valley there
Hold the waters of life
Take a minute to concentrate
And she raises up her knife

The world was frozen, she was right there with it (Ana was)
The world was frozen, she was gonna thaw it (Ana was)
Ana was

Ana was cutting through the tree bark
And she was letting out the sap
And she was captured in the torrent
Being pushed into the earth
Moving out of the valley and
Turning this way and that
And trying to get control
Using just her mother's song

The water rushing, she was right there with it (Ana was)
The water rushing, she was trying to calm it (Ana was)

She was glad about it... no doubt about it
She made sure that the snow was gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what she's done
Ana was

Ana was looking at herself
And she was looking like a river
The land was nurtured by her water
She's flowing out into Lake Erie

The river flowing, she was right there with it (Ana was)
The river flowing, she was all around it (Ana was)
Joining the world of river mothers (Ana was)
Bringing the Huron Valley life (Ana was)

The Ana Bunch

Here's the story of the goddess Ana
Who was trying to save the people of the land
All she had was a song from her mother
Her father's knife in hand

Here's the story of a god named Lugh
Who was worshipped by some people of his own
Then they travelled across the ocean
And they were all alone

'Til the one day when the people met the goddess
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch
That this Grove must somehow form a family
That's the way they all became the Ana Bunch

The Ana Bunch, the Ana Bunch
That's the way we became the Ana Bunch!

Hail to the Goddess Ana

Hail to the goddess Ana
Hail to the god Manannan
Hail, hail to Aren, Danu,
Brid, Lugh and Bel

Hail to the goddess Ana
Hail to the god Manannan
Hail and be welcome here
By fire, tree and well

The Little Corn Dolly from Slugadena

It's the little corn dolly from Slugadena

The little corn dolly from Slugadena
go dolly, go dolly, go dolly go
Has a little straw bed made by SLuGgy weavers
go dolly, go dolly, go dolly go

She represents Bríd at our Imbolc rite
With her bright red hair and her dress so white

And everybody's saying that there's no goddess sweeter
Than the little corn dolly from Slugadena
She guards our homes and she warms our hearts
She inspires the Healers, Artisans and Bards
It's the little corn dolly from Slugadena

If you're ever giving birth, then you should call her
go dolly, go dolly, go dolly go
She'll help you have a healthy son or daughter
go dolly, go dolly, go dolly go

If you weave her a cross, then have no fear
She'll protect your home for the coming year

She's the Grove's divine inspiration source
With her poetry book and her blacksmith's forge

Punk Rock Bríd

by Rob Henderson (Imbolc 99)
(based on "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen)

At one An Bruane we lit a sacred fire
We made a dolly and we tied her up with wire

Punk Rock Bríd, goddess of the well
Punk Rock Bríd, you ring our bell
Let's build community
Come bless our homes, Punk Rock Bríd

We put her in a white dress
and put wheat stalks in her head
And then we lay her in her little dolly bed

Punk Rock Bríd, you're our goddess
Punk Rock Bríd, you're the hottest
You're the one that we beseech
Come bless our homes, Punk Rock Bríd

We started off in Grosse Pointe Woods
We went all the way to Lansing
We barged in through the doors
And we started slam dancing
Then we jumped up on the table and shouted anarchy
And then Mark Gabriel got out his accordion
He was playing "Drunken Sailor"
So we started wailin'
"Ear-li in the mornin'"

We all went out to Jan's barn to bless the mules
Her husband took one look at us and thought that we were fools
Punk Rock Bríd, give us a cross
Punk Rock Bríd, that's made of dental floss
For places we can't reach
Yeah, you're for us, Punk Rock Bríd

We were driving on the freeway
And playing with our puppets
The monkey was steering but he was a bad driver
He didn't know right from left
And we went the wrong way
We shouted at the monkey 'cause his steering was so funky

We went to Fire Watch to bless the Bratach Bríd
The dolly held it to her nose and she let out a sneeze

Punk Rock Bríd, goddess of the fire
Punk Rock Bríd, you make us perspire
Your talents are so great
Come bless our homes
And we'll all stay up too late
Come bless our homes
We'll travel round the state
Come bless our homes, Punk Rock Bríd

Bríd

The hearth god of our grove has bright red hair
Her altar called to me while I went there
It wasn't long before I worshipped her
I wrote her songs and offered them as prayer

Bríd, the daughter of the Dagda as the stories tell
Bríd is water, rising from within the healing well
Bríd, Bríd

We light her candles and we bake her bread
We make a dolly and lay her in bed
On Brideog day, we travel all night long
She even thinks it's cool to write her punk rock songs

Bríd always saves our homes from fire with her cross
Bríd wants to give the women pieces of her cloth
Bríd, Bríd

I had a vision sitting at Fire Watch yesterday
Our lives could be better by being together
Building a community with Bríd

The hearth god of our grove has bright red hair
Her voice still calls me while I run things there
No problem is too big to handle
With offerings in front of her candle

Bríd inspires the midwives, healers, metalsmiths and bards
Bríd is fire 'cause every family has a kitchen hearth
Bríd, Bríd c'mon

Part Three: Songs about things, stuff, and whatnot.

Worshipping the Sun

It ain't no joke, I'd like to build us all a Grove
And teach the world to chant in perfect harmony
And teach the world to make their off'rings to the Kindreds
Hey I know it's just a song, but it's part of the liturgy
We know we're on the track, that it went out but it's back
It's just like any trad, it attracts the folks with facts
And just like fashion, it's a passion for the weird and the odd
If you are Druids they'll come and join you just to worship the gods

(CHORUS):
So don't delay, act now, it's time to sing and shout
And let's all follow the ways of pagans from the old days
If you want schism, then try monotheism
But if you want some fun, you might as well be worshipping the sun!

Two thousand years ago, they pondered and they wandered
Into Ireland and Britain and together they stopped
And they folked out with the Bards around a bon fire
Just a'singin' and clappin', man, what the heck happened?
Well, some were bought off, some were fought off, some were moanin'
And some got back up and fought against the Romans
And their kids were Mithraists and Jesus chicks
Because Christians were switchin' the true meaning of it

(CHORUS)

It ain't no joke when we purify with incense smoke
And the Awen and the Earth Mother have been invoked
And then the Gatekeeper opens the Tree and Well and Fire
And then the Fool gives some food to offer the Outsiders
Then the rest, our guests, starting off with the Ancestors
And the Nature Spirits next, so we can be blessed
Then ask the Shining Ones to be with us today
They need to be here when we sing and dance around the bile'!

(CHORUS)

A bit of an explanation here: At Wellspring of 1998, our esteemed Archdruid announced that ADF had finally surpassed the 500-member mark. He then went on to boast that by Wellspring of 1999, ADF would have 1000 members. Which led me to write this song. Fox and I sang this just before the Fools' Competition of the SLG 1998 Lughnasadh Festival. The lyrics in plain text were sung by Fox, the ones in italics were sung by me, the ones in bold by both of us, and the ones in (parentheses) were spoken, not sung. Confused yet?

If We Had A Thousand Druids

If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd build a network of shrines
We'd build a network of shrines
And if we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd build a Druid College
We could all join a frat
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd all take animal names
Yep, you'd be "Llama", I'd be "Emu"
If we had a thousand druids
We'd praise the gods

If we had a thousand druids
We'd build a wood henge in the yard
If we had a thousand druids
We could all help, it wouldn't be that hard
If we had a thousand druids
Maybe we could put a great big altar in there somewhere
(And maybe we could get some entrails to read on the altar)
(Or maybe some of those pre-wrapped sausages. They have pre-wrapped sausages, but they don't have pre-wrapped entrails, have you ever noticed that?)
(Well, can you blame 'em?)
(Uh, yeah!)

If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
Our Warriors could fight a war
But not a real big war, that's cruel
And if we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
Our Healers could have a hospital
It would be just like on "E/R"
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd all go visit Stonehenge
Ooh, all them great big vertical stones\
If we had a thousand druids
We'd praise the gods

If we had a thousand druids
We wouldn't have to rent out a site
If we had a thousand druids
We'd buy our own, and we could stay all night
If we had a thousand druids
We wouldn't have to cram into one hot tub
(But we would cram into one hot tub.)
(Well, of course we would, we'd just cram more!)
(And maybe get some tub toys, like those plastic vegetables...)
(And don't forget the plastic chicken!)
(Mmm!)
(Mmm!)

If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd each wear a green cloak
But not a real green cloak, that's cruel
And if we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
Our Scholars would write great books
Like "The 21 Lessons of Merlin"
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
We'd all get a Web page
Haven't you always wanted a Web page?
If we had a thousand druids
We'd praise the go-o-o-o-o-ods

If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand druids
If we had a thousand dru-u-u-u-ids
We'd be big!

Rob Henderson, SLG Webmaster

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